On Writing for LAS - A Rant

[sariagray]

We have a week for this challenge. ONE WEEK. And of course, I'm working insane hours, so I really only have this weekend. 

There is a process behind all of these stories that I write, more so with my other works (in which I literally just spew words and hope for the best). First, I have a knee-jerk reaction to the prompt. I read it and then the first thing that pops into my head is what I run with. It's like instinct, only not necessarily good instinct. Often, too, it's outside of the "norm" of the prompt. Because I'm Saria and Saria writes...Saria-things. So while it worked for "The Right Time To Lie," my "Valentine's Day" story was a bit - well, it wasn't hearts and flowers and puppies, was it? Not at all.

I have NOTHING against fluff, mind. I read it like a woman starved, really. I just can't write it - not the concentrated kind, anyway. I think I do romance, but it's always a double-edged sword; the romance is only there to balance the bleakness. Hell, the romance is only important because of how destitute everything is.

It doesn't help that I'm a poet by nature. I think in symbols and even my factual essays contain purposeful alliteration and figurative language. I'm not concrete and I layer meaning in a way that requires people to analyze. Everything is selected for a reason.

Newsflash to Self: Very few people want to analyze fan fiction. That's NOT why they're here.

A lot of you, those with whom I have become relatively close, seem to get it. And for that I am so thankful. But that doesn't work for something like LAS, I presume. And maybe I'm being pretentious, but that frustrates me beyond belief. 

Why?

Because this challenge, "Terrible Gift" (which I keep accidentally mentally calling "Terrible Lie." Damn you, Trent Reznor.), is not helping. I know I can't write "Jack gives Ianto an ugly tie" or even "Ianto unknowingly gives Jack something that sparks a painful memory." I've already had my knee-jerk reaction and need to see it through. And I'm so terrified (TERRIFIED!) that no one is going to understand.

In the end, it doesn't really matter that they don't. Understand, that is. Because, well, at the end of the day, I only have to be happy with myself and my quality of work. The problem is that I'm NEVER happy with what I write. I'm pleased with people's positive reactions to things (and sometimes quite surprised, truth be told), but I will never be satisfied with myself.

Ask either analineblue or thebuttonontop, both of whom have patiently listened to my vague rantings/ravings/panic attacks. Especially analineblue, for cheering me up with thoughts of magical talking goldfish. *Giggles* But anyway, that's part of the problem. I can't even rant with full disclosure because this is supposed to be a secret.

But LAS has taught me a lot and has stretched me as a writer already. I thought of skipping this round just for sheer lack of confidence, but I can't do that. I will save those skips for, you know, legitimate reasons. Not shaking in my shoes.
I just want this round to be over with. The next one will be better. Yes it will.

As for the confessional nature of this, I really believe that there should be an LAS-style reality show called "Fandom" in which a bunch of fan fiction authors are given challenges. And they all live in the same house and complain about each other. I would be the stereotypical pretentious drama queen, I think. Sadly. I would complain about how no one understands because I'm a tortured artist. Halfway through the season, I'd shave my head in protest of some unspoken affront. And I would smoke all of the time and discuss how I was writing a dissertation on "Ianto As Metaphor" or something equally ridiculous.
 
Basically, LAS leaves me with this weird feeling that I can't write and yet that I  want more than anything to prove myself (while I feel I have nothing to prove). So. Yeah. I'm just going to sit in this corner and rock back and forth.