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[personal profile] sariagray

Totally thiefed from [livejournal.com profile] littlblackghost, from whom I seem to steal many things.
 
 
1. I am terrified when people show any romantic/sexual interest in me. Not that this is a common occurrence, of course, but just the idea makes me nervous. There is this one woman I know through a mutual friend, and then another friend just asked me how I felt about dating an older woman because he's trying to fix me up, and it just feels so strange. So foreign. It may be the lack of subtlety and romance, too, or the fact that I am simply not interested in these people. But it seriously makes me feel like I want to run and hide. I've only just noticed this about ten minutes ago, and my lack of interest may also be that they've all been women and I am going through a male-centric phase right now. I blame fan fiction for that one. Sexual fluidity makes me feel like a total hypocrite.

2. I lie all of the time. Not about big things, really, or important things, but completely bizarre little things for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The lies don't make me look better or worse, they have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my relationships with people, and they serve no purpose. I might, for example, tell someone that I spent the night shivering when in fact no such thing had occurred. I still haven't figured out why I do this. But I do. It's almost like an experiment in manipulation.

3. I self-narrate all of the time. "She walks over to her car, and the air is still, warm and wet and yet with an undercurrent of cooling, as though the weather hasn't yet decided how it would like to be perceived. As she retrieves a book from the passenger seat, it dawns on her that she has yet to decide how she'd like to be perceived. She wonders if it matters." Yep. 
 
4. I have played Devil's Advocate for so long, that I don't really know what I believe anymore, not really. My ex was so vehement in her opinions that I always felt the need to counter them just to get her to think of the other options. I do this with friends, coworkers, family, everyone. I don't actually think that this is a bad thing - the world needs more people who can see all sides of an issue rather than the one to which they adhere. I could have the same argument about, say, my former boss's behavior. To one coworker who adores him, I will go on and on about the sort of manipulations he pulls. To another coworker who argues that he is not at all a good manager, I will counter with how I think he excels at his job and his treatment of people. And yet, I still don't know how I feel about him. 
 
5. I used to self-mutilate regularly, back in my not-so-distant youth, and tried to kill myself a handful of times. I still have scars on my left arm, and I cherish them as a reminder of how far I've come. I don't know how I still have scars, though, as I never went deep. I started smoking to stop cutting and I still cringe whenever someone tells me to quit, because I have this irrational fear that I will end up starting again.
 
6. Fan fiction has made me realize just how many kinks I have and how many squicks I don't. It has also turned me off, almost completely, to porn, because porn isn't nearly as interesting. It's kind of depressing, really, to watch and think, "Ugh. This would be such an interesting scenario if so-and-so were writing it!"
 
7. I feel like a failure at writing all of the time and go through serious periods in which I become so nervous, the words are stilted and impossible and insincere. I always feel like people are laughing at or annoyed by my writing, and I blame this partially on the fact that I feel it's the only thing I can do with any small level of success. This is not a "Tell me I'm amazing plea" because, really, it wouldn't change a thing if you did. In fact, except for LAS and Ianto Big Bang, I feel like I should probably take a hiatus soon, to take the pressure off. Forced writing never, ever worked for me.
 
8. I have a very limited tolerance for people. Not in general - in general, I adore people. But when we start getting into actual, real interpersonal relationships, the people I know annoy me to no end for not living up to my expectations of behavior. I admit, I have pretty lofty expectations and I certainly don't live up to them myself. Still, though, there are certain things I expect of the people with whom I associate. If they don't meet them, I sort of drift away completely.
 
9. I want to get drunk and smoke cigars and watch bullfights so I can be Hemingway. I want to smoke gold-tipped cigarettes and recline and eat luxurious foods so I can be Wilde. These are two very strange men to want to be. I think it just comes down to the fact that I want to have an ill-advised life just because it makes me happy and gives me something interesting to write about. I want to have an affair that's brief and glorious and tragic. I want to feel alive, truly alive, again.
 
10. I think I may be a sociopath. Or have some sort of disorder. I don't, really, but I would almost like to have one because it would at least explain all of my ridiculous behaviors. Depression, schizophrenia, and other such things run rampant on both sides of my family and I occasionally worry about it. And then I occasionally hope for it. I need something to blame. 
 
*watches as everyone defriends her en masse*
 
 
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