sariagray: (Owen Bang)
[personal profile] sariagray
Title: Not So Secret
Author
[info]sariagray 
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Owen/Tosh (slight hints)
Rating: PG13-ish?
Word Count: Between 1000 and 1500, somewhere.
Spoilers: Nothing really. Owen and Tosh are still alive. Everyone is happy, so this may just be an AU.
Warnings: Occasional language, minor sexual innuendo, Fluff! IM!Fic, Christmasy. Unbeta'd.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction and artwork. No monetary compensation has been or will be garnered from this endeavor. This is purely for entertainment purposes and is no way intended to disrespect the creators/owners of Torchwood.


Author's Note: This was written as a holiday gift to 
[info]thebuttonontop. She requested: "Rhys/Ianto bff-fic! and Tosh/Owen!! please pretty please??" This, uh, sort of meets those guidelines, I guess? She has also been on me about IM!Fic. SO I decided to kill as many birds with as few stones as possible. THIS IS ALL HER FAULT! :) Happy Christmas, dear. A few weeks early, but still.

A/N 2:
I know that normal people don't IM or text with correct grammar/spelling/punctuation. But I do and I can't break my habits. This was written pretty much in "real time" so it may seem a bit disjointed. Sorry. And now I have a headache from all of the voices in my head after writing this.

A/N 3: This is interactive. Clicky the linkies! (All links are work-and-family safe). Link explanations at the bottom.


 
Not So Secret
(Ianto has entered the conversation)

(Rhys has entered the conversation)


Ianto: Could you please inform your darling wife that Secret Santa is the worst idea she’s ever had?

Rhys: Worst? I thought “Never Have I Ever” was the worst.

Ianto: Right. I amend my previous statement. Second worst.

Rhys: Who’d you get, then?

Ianto: Her. Of course. Which isn’t really fair because I already got Jack something. So now I have to buy two presents.

Rhys: Ha! Who’d Jack get?

Ianto: It’s secret, remember?

Rhys: Yes, and you’re Ianto, so who’d he get?

Ianto: Me. I think, anyway. He looked relieved. And before you ask, I know Owen got Tosh.

Rhys: I’ll find out who Gwen got later.

Ianto: So what do I get her?

Rhys: Well, there’s this KitchenAid mixer she’s had her eye on.

Ianto: Oh? Has she, now?

Rhys: She has. She talks about it every night, she does.

Ianto: If you want me to buy you a KitchenAid mixer for Christmas, just ask.

Rhys: Fine. Will you buy me a KitchenAid mixer for Christmas?

Ianto: Absolutely not.

Rhys: I’m crushed.

Ianto: I can tell. Anything else you want to pretend your wife wants?

Rhys: A new car. Oh, and a boat. And a Kegerator.

Ianto: Good to see her tastes are consistent. She’s set a £20 spending limit, though, sorry.
Ianto: Wait! Does that mean if Jack already bought me something for more than £20, he has to buy me something else that fits within the limit?

Rhys: You greedy bastard. And yes. It does. I’ll make sure Gwen brings it up.

Ianto: My hero.

Rhys: But only if you get her something I want.

Ianto: Do you think she’ll suspect?

Rhys: Of course, but she won’t dare say anything.
Rhys: Oh, how about
this?

Ianto: Hmm.
Ianto: That’s £27.99.

Rhys: I won’t tell if you won’t.

Ianto: The things I do for you. Fine.

Rhys: Quit complaining! I’m getting Jack to give you an extra gift!
Rhys: Has Owen asked you for advice yet?

Ianto: True.
Ianto: Not yet. I think he’s going to Gwen first. Gwen will then come ask me. There will be a whole bloody conference on “What Should Owen Get Tosh” sometime before noon tomorrow.

(Owen has entered the conversation)

Ianto: I’ll probably have to write up the agenda soon.

Rhys: Speak of the devil.

Owen: Rhys, mate, your wife has the worst ideas ever.

Rhys: So I’m told. I hear you got Tosh?

Owen: Yeah. What the hell do I get her? Perfume?

Ianto: Too impersonal unless you’re dating, and even then it has to be the right kind and paired with something slightly more individualized.

Owen: Have you got a bloody handbook or something?

Ianto: No, I’m just not a twat.

Rhys: Get her a subscription to something, like one of those Muffin-A-Month things.

Ianto: You can’t keep basing gift selections off what you want. And £20, remember?

Rhys: Right. Sorry.

Owen: You two have been SO much help. Thanks.

Ianto: Careful Rhys. I sense sarcasm.

Owen: Shut it. This is serious.

Ianto:
Honestly, she’ll be happy with whatever you get her.

Rhys: Here, try
this.

Owen: Why would I get her a pasta maker?

Rhys: Oops, sorry. Meant
this.

Ianto: I want that!

Owen: Nice thought, but she’d probably laugh at it.

Rhys: But that’s the point, isn’t it! She’ll have fun pointing out the mistakes AND she’ll be thrilled you noticed that she’s an evil genius!

Ianto: I still want it!
Ianto: Wait! Get her this one! Actually, get ME this one!
Want!

Owen: Hell, I want that!

Ianto: Never mind, forget I said anything.

Rhys: ?

Ianto: This book is not safe in the hands of Dr Owen Harper.

(Gwen has entered the conversation)

Owen: Muahaha.

Gwen: ???
Gwen: Is Owen playing a mad scientist again?

Ianto: I hate you, Gwen.

Owen: Me too.

Rhys: I don’t!

Gwen: Still can’t think of anything to buy Tosh?

Ianto: I TOLD you there was going to be a conference.

Rhys: And you without your agenda.

Gwen: What about
this?

Ianto: Gwen, question. If Jack already bought me something, and then picked me, does he have to buy me something else?

Gwen: Yes, of course. I should tell him, shouldn’t I?

Owen: Wait, isn’t this all supposed to be secret?

Rhys: Torchwood? Keep secrets? Impossible, mate.

Ianto: True. And thanks Gwen! I hate you a little less now.

Owen: I like it but isn’t it a little cheap? I’d still have to find something else.

Rhys: It’s a limit, not a minimum. And you’re cheap, so it’s perfect.

Owen: Fine, right, I’ll get it. And maybe a £10 gift card to Starbucks or something?

Gwen: What Rhys said.
Gwen: Oh, good idea!

(Jack has entered the conversation)

Ianto: What, my coffee’s not good enough anymore?

Rhys: Ouch! Ianto, your coffee’s good enough for me. Leave these arses and make me some.

Jack: Excuse me?
Jack: Why is Rhys stealing Ianto from us?

Gwen: Jack! Hi! Just thought you should know that if you got something already for the person you picked, you still have to buy them another gift for the Secret Santa.

Ianto: Because he actually appreciates me?

Jack: ....
Jack: I hate you, Gwen.

Ianto: We should start a club. Rhys can’t join.
Ianto: What happened to Owen?

Rhys: Don’t know….

Owen: I’m here. Just ordering. Hang on.
Owen: Ianto, what the hell’s my Amazon password?
Owen: Forget it, I got it.

Jack: So you finally found something?

Ianto: Yes he did. We think. Maybe. Until he changes his mind again.

Rhys: Ianto didn’t have his agenda ready, so it was a bit bumpy at first.

Gwen: Please tell me you’re keeping Tosh busy.

Jack: Yeah, I sent her down to the archives to get a file.
Jack: A file that doesn’t exist.

Rhys: Well-played!

Ianto: You did WHAT?

Gwen: Not so well-played.

Jack: It’ll be fine. It’s Tosh. And I had to keep her busy somehow!

Ianto: Rhys, could you please inform Jack that I am currently not speaking to him?

Gwen: Oh, not this again!

Rhys: Jack, Ianto says he’s not speaking to you.

Jack: What? She won’t mess anything up! She’s good with organization!

Gwen: Will you two stop! And Rhys, don’t encourage them!

Owen: Back
Owen: I’m having it delivered to the front in Ianto’s name
Owen: What the hell did I miss now? They’re fighting again?

Ianto: Fine, but if anything is out of place, I’m coming after you.
Ianto: I’ll be on the lookout, Owen.

Rhys: I’m keeping out of it, mate. Don’t want to make the missus mad.

Jack: …Promise?

Gwen: Ugh! Boys.

Rhys: It’s almost lunch. I need to go make a call. Bye love. Bye all.

Gwen: Bye! xxx

Ianto: Hey, remember…you owe me. I want that book.
Ianto: And bye.

(Rhys has exited the conversation)

Jack: Bye
Jack: What book?

Ianto: This one.
Ianto: And no, you’re not buying it for me for Secret Santa.

Jack: Who says I picked you?

Gwen: Er, I might’ve hinted?

Ianto: You’re not as good at keeping a straight face as you think, Harkness.

Jack: Gwen, are trades allowed?

Gwen: Nope! Ha!

Jack: Still hate you, Gwen.
Jack: Where’s Owen?
Jack: Owen stop looking at porn!

Owen: I’m not! I was trying to find something else to give her!

Gwen: Aw, that’s sweet!

Owen: Well, I just don’t want everyone thinking I’m cheap!

Ianto: Too late for that.

Jack: Ianto, bring me some coffee?

Gwen: Bring you coffee? Is this a new code?

Owen: New code? Wasn’t it always the code?

Ianto: Yeah, as soon as I finish this.

Jack: What?

Ianto: Watching
this.

Gwen: I thought it was “weevil hunting” or “work to do”?
Gwen: Oh no.
Gwen: This is going to be stuck in my head. ALL DAY.

Jack: And that’s more interesting than me?
Jack: I pay you all way too much.

Ianto: Yep.

(Ianto has exited the conversation)

(Jack has exited the conversation)

Owen: They’re interchangeable, I think. Depends.
Owen: What the hell is this shit?

Gwen: Hmm, good point.
Gwen: You know, you do kind of look like a hobbit.
Gwen: Did you decide on what else you’re getting her?
Gwen: Oh! She’s come back.

(Gwen has exited the conversation)

(Tosh has entered the conversation)

Owen: What’s that say about you, then?
Owen: Not yet, no. I want to get her something good, yeah? You and your bloody £20 limit!
Owen: Shit!

(Owen has exited the conversation)

(Tosh has exited the conversation)

THE END!

 
*LINKS: 1 + 2 are to a pasta maker on Amazon UK. 3 through 6 are to books on Amazon UK about maths and probability and technical tricks for "evil geniuses". The last is a YouTube video that's been stuck in my head mixing lines from Lord of the Rings with a nifty beat.

Date: 2010-12-07 01:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebuttonontop.livejournal.com
*dies* real review later, when i'm capable and not a giggling corpse on the ground.

Date: 2010-12-07 01:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
HEEE! YAY! I got the response I wanted! MUAHAHAHA!

I'm glad you like! At least, I think you like!

Date: 2010-12-07 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dinorampage.livejournal.com
Loved it - but could you maybe put a list of what the linked items were at the bottom for those who aren't fans of blind links?

Date: 2010-12-07 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dinorampage.livejournal.com
Thanks! I was reading on a mobile device and couldn't do a hover to see the link... not that I don't trust you!

Again, loved the fic!

Date: 2010-12-07 02:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Ohh, you read fic on your phone, too!? Hehe

And I completely understand! I'm glad you liked it! :)

Date: 2010-12-07 02:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nancybrown.livejournal.com
That was surreal and cracky. I liked it. :)

Date: 2010-12-07 02:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Yay! Thank you! :)

Date: 2010-12-07 02:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milady-dragon.livejournal.com
That was hilarious! And now I'M going to have that song stuck in my head! :)

Date: 2010-12-07 11:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
That was my evil plan all along! :-D Hehe Glad you liked!

Date: 2010-12-07 02:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tayla36.livejournal.com
Thanks so much for that YouTube link. I've had "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas" in my head all day, and now it's gone.

(of course it's been replaced now, but at least it's been replaced by Orlando.)

Cute fic. I love Rhys.

Date: 2010-12-07 11:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
OH NO! Now I have "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas" stuck in my head! Why did you go and do that!?!? :) Thanks!

Date: 2010-12-07 03:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] broken-lullaby.livejournal.com
oh my god I love this so much. It is the cutest thing ever, I cannot stop laughing.

I LOLED SO HARD at the image of Ianto at his computer humming along to the Hobbit rap not even gonna lie.

Fantastic job! ♥

Date: 2010-12-07 11:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Hee! YAY! Yes, I had that image too! Thanks! :-D

cute

Date: 2010-12-07 03:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lawford.livejournal.com
I love that Ianto knows Owen's Amazon password and Owen doesn't care.

Re: cute

Date: 2010-12-07 05:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebuttonontop.livejournal.com
i was totally thinking that, actually, when i read that part.

Re: cute

Date: 2010-12-07 11:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Well, he does know everything. :) Thanks!

Date: 2010-12-07 03:29 am (UTC)
ext_550863: (Default)
From: [identity profile] usakiwigirl.livejournal.com
ROFLMAO - seriously, my sides hurt! Loved the rap, loved that Ianto waited to make coffee to finish watching the rap - bet he'd be an annoying bugger and sing it whenever the tension got to be too much too!

Date: 2010-12-07 11:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Your icon. *Stares* Oh. What was that? Sorry, I, er, got distracted. I bet he would too! :-D Hehe thanks hun!

Date: 2010-12-07 12:15 pm (UTC)
ext_550863: (Default)
From: [identity profile] usakiwigirl.livejournal.com
The icon is rather... distracting, isn't it! Feel free to nick it - credits are on my page. I love me some pretty, and the sparkly lights are nice too!

Date: 2010-12-07 09:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
I may just blow it up as my background...I swear, it's just the blinky lights. No, really. Yep. That's all it is.

Date: 2010-12-08 02:21 am (UTC)
ext_550863: (Default)
From: [identity profile] usakiwigirl.livejournal.com
I wish I could... God, do I wish I could. My little netbook won't let me change my background *sob*. It's one of the downsides to windows 7 starter. The big computer upstairs - now that's a different story *ponders possibilities... and the questions asked by the kids and hubs*

It reminds of a Christmas version of my regular default, the rainbow cake... sorta :P

Date: 2010-12-07 04:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xrai-namere.livejournal.com
Oh, this was great! I agree with lawford; loved it that Owen expected Ianto to know his password. And now I have the rap stuck my head. And usaki is right, Ianto would probably sing it to piss the team off!
Many <3s. :)

Date: 2010-12-07 11:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Hehe! I'm glad you liked. My coworker sent me the rap and I couldn't get it out of my head. So I made you all suffer with me. Muahaha! Thanks hun!

Date: 2010-12-07 05:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebuttonontop.livejournal.com
....*sighs* they're taking the hobbits to isengard. there. i said it.
yep, i'm also in agreement with Lawford. that was one of the things i made a mental note to comment on, actually. before i became ded of turchwad.
i ADORED Rhys and Ianto in this. you got EXACTLY what i was looking for. :) I need to get you drunk more often. erm... that didn't come out right. lol.
Those book ideas are perfect. I want those too now. *sighs* stupid amazon. and now you know there has to be a fic based on those books, right? lol
Honestly though, i think my favorite parts were Rhys asking Ianto for a KitchenAid mixer ... and the whole scene around Tosh being sent to the Archives. I LOVE it when Ianto gets protective over his Archives. Thats one of my favorite Iantos.

ok. i've rambled enough. suffice it to say this was the best christmas fic ever. i love it and i love you... :) *hugs tightly*

Date: 2010-12-07 11:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
MUAHAHA! I am evil, I know.

I added the password bit in later (you know, drunk-later) so I'm glad it worked. It sure amused the hell out of me, anyway.

Bwaha! Yes, get me drunk more often. *Raises eyebrow* I'm glad I managed what you wanted. I tried to get them, ya know, in character. With chat. It's hard. Especially when I outright refuse to let go of proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

I know it's one of your favorite Iantos! DUH! :) Seriously, I don't know where half of this came from. I mean, it really made me dizzy!

Love you too hun! Glad you enjoyed!

Date: 2010-12-07 06:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonacesg7.livejournal.com
*giggles* wow, that was really awesome :D

thank you for sharing

Date: 2010-12-07 11:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked!

Date: 2010-12-07 06:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zazajb.livejournal.com
What a wonderful way to start the day with a huge smile and lots of giggles - and i just love the Hobbit rap - gonna send that round school today! Thanks for the smiles xxx

Date: 2010-12-07 11:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Heee! What have I started!?!?!? Haha! Glad you enjoyed and happy to make you smile! :) Thanks!

Date: 2010-12-07 03:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alien-catcher.livejournal.com
Ahhh this was hysterical! Was recced her from plurk and this was such a fun fic, and interactive quality really added to it.

Also I think writing it with proper grammar/punctuation really helped make the character voices distinct.

I almost fell out of my chair when I got the hobbit rap part... Thank you for sharing this and for the great laugh that started my day! &hearts

Date: 2010-12-08 12:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Yay! I'm glad you found it and enjoyed it and whatnot!

And thanks! I was worried, but I figured that if I did it, so too could the protectors of Earth. :)

(When I got the email saying I had a comment, I couldn't stop giggling. "Gwen Cooper has commented on your post" is the greatest opening line I've ever received via email!)

Date: 2010-12-08 06:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alien-catcher.livejournal.com
Oh yeah, it was fine. And honestly I think writing it in the more "lazy" IM style (I admit to forgoing capitalization in AIM convos because I can't be bothered) might have been more distracting anyway, so it worked really well and you have no reason to have worried.

(LOL! Now I'm happy I used this journal to comment!)

Date: 2010-12-07 09:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] welsh-scotsman.livejournal.com
this is very slightly brilliant;D i am trying to be restrained and failing;D i love the interaction in this - it feels so natural and lighthearted and wuvly;D

Date: 2010-12-08 12:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
I'm glad it feels natural! I tried not to over-edit (like when I realized I had forgotten Owen a couple of times...did I go back and add him? NAH)

Thanks! I'm happy you enjoyed!

Date: 2010-12-07 10:42 pm (UTC)
bk_forever: (Dear Santa)
From: [personal profile] bk_forever
Hahahaha! Secret Santa is a menace! It makes rational people tear their hair out!

Glad Rhys will get his pasta maker - I can imagine him happily polishing it the way Ianto does his coffee machine =)

I'm sure Tosh will be happy with Owen's gift and I just hope Jack buys Ianto something really good! (Hope Tosh got Jack and Gwen got Owen!)

Date: 2010-12-08 12:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
I'm sure she will, too! And I'm glad you read this, because it KINDA factors into your prezzie, just a little bit. (Speaking of, do you want me to wait until closer to the holiday to post, or just post when I'm done?)

YES! Rhys and Owen will get together and make yummy pasta and espresso, and Gwen and Jack will just shake their heads at them! :)

Date: 2010-12-08 12:28 am (UTC)
bk_forever: (Dear Santa)
From: [personal profile] bk_forever
Think you meant Rhys and Ianto rather than Rhys and Owen - unless Jack and Owen are up to something I didn't know about! =0

I'm catching up with my reading slowly - setting up the new community has meant I've not had as much time for reading as usual.

Post whenever you're ready - the weather has already destroyed any hope of even getting cards out on time, never mind anything else, so I could do with a shot of Christmas cheer before the festive season arrives and collapses around my ears! Right now, I feel like cancelling Christmas and rescheduling it for February - we've just been told we might get a warmer weekend, but then temperatures will drop again and could stay like that until the new year! So not what I wanted to hear!

Date: 2010-12-08 12:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
YES! Whoops! Meant Ianto. But I was thinking of Owen, for some reason...huh. Freudian slip? Who knows?

I can imagine! Let me know if there's anything I can do to help!

And YES TO CANCELLING CHRISTMAS! Ugh. Sorry the weather is so bad! It's getting much colder here, too. I will post as soon as it's finished! :-D

Date: 2010-12-08 07:30 am (UTC)
ext_3966: (Default)
From: [identity profile] lone-star-woman.livejournal.com
I love team fic where everyone's relaxed and having fun. The banter is wonderful, and the character voices are spot on.

I'm picturing the team carrying on this conversation while sitting five feet from each other, even though it's kind of absurd once Rhys makes his exit.

Date: 2010-12-11 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Thanks so much! And yes, I had considered them sitting close for a while! :)

Date: 2010-12-11 11:28 pm (UTC)
ext_401263: (Default)
From: [identity profile] mv-girl.livejournal.com
omg - lol!!! Gorgeous fic!!!
I loved their conversations and their voices and how everyone knew something (not so) secretly about the other.
Thank you!!!

Date: 2010-12-12 01:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sariagray.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! :)

Torchwood is bad when it comes to, you know, secrets. lol

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