Some Long-Winded Ramblings
Mar. 5th, 2011 10:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sariagrayOkay. So. Something that ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fiwen1010 posted has me in a ranty mood.
Not at her, mind. Just...some thoughts.
I was raised by loving parents. They've made some pretty big mistakes. They still make mistakes. They are dysfunctional, diseased, and occasionally cruel. Ultimately, though, they are wonderful people.
Here is the summary of my life for the past few months:
My father is an alcoholic, my mother is severely depressed and going blind (due to diabetic retinopathy), my brother has Asperger's Syndrome, which wasn't diagnosed until he was 18 (at which point it was far too late to do much of anything). We're in the process of losing our house and, while I'm not completely blasé about it, there isn't too much I can do about that short of...actually, no, nothing. My 5+ year relationship ended fully in September; I haven't spoken with her since and...she has my cat. His name is Joxer. I miss him. I miss her, too, of course. But my cat? He loved me unconditionally. She didn't.
Despite all of this, I try to keep a cool head. I try to be calm, collected, and poised. I have fandom to thank for that, I think. And work. My coworkers are lovely people and have given me so much support and love that I occasionally feel completely overwhelmed. Even when they annoy the hell out of me, I love them dearly. And you all are so supportive, even if you don't realize you're supporting anything at all. You have no idea. I love you all dearly, too. :)
Now, full disclosure. I am pansexual. I didn't even know what this meant until some years ago when I had to research political parties for my Civics class in high school. I found this one: www.freewebs.com/pansexualppp/ They need a better website. Anyway. I researched pansexuality after that and discovered that:
fiwen1010 posted has me in a ranty mood.Not at her, mind. Just...some thoughts.
I was raised by loving parents. They've made some pretty big mistakes. They still make mistakes. They are dysfunctional, diseased, and occasionally cruel. Ultimately, though, they are wonderful people.
Here is the summary of my life for the past few months:
My father is an alcoholic, my mother is severely depressed and going blind (due to diabetic retinopathy), my brother has Asperger's Syndrome, which wasn't diagnosed until he was 18 (at which point it was far too late to do much of anything). We're in the process of losing our house and, while I'm not completely blasé about it, there isn't too much I can do about that short of...actually, no, nothing. My 5+ year relationship ended fully in September; I haven't spoken with her since and...she has my cat. His name is Joxer. I miss him. I miss her, too, of course. But my cat? He loved me unconditionally. She didn't.
Despite all of this, I try to keep a cool head. I try to be calm, collected, and poised. I have fandom to thank for that, I think. And work. My coworkers are lovely people and have given me so much support and love that I occasionally feel completely overwhelmed. Even when they annoy the hell out of me, I love them dearly. And you all are so supportive, even if you don't realize you're supporting anything at all. You have no idea. I love you all dearly, too. :)
Now, full disclosure. I am pansexual. I didn't even know what this meant until some years ago when I had to research political parties for my Civics class in high school. I found this one: www.freewebs.com/pansexualppp/ They need a better website. Anyway. I researched pansexuality after that and discovered that:
Pansexuality is a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others. As defined in the Oxford English Dictionary, pansexuality "encompasses all kinds of sexuality; not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or practice." Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person's personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender. The concept of pansexuality deliberately rejects the idea that there are only two genders. Pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women.
Wikipedia also states that pansexuality is also referred to as omnisexuality, but I disagree. The best way to illustrate the difference is to view Ianto as a pansexual (attracted to Jack because he's Jack, because of the person that he is - Ianto, adaptable as always, adapts to the sexual lifestyle inherent between men because, well, it's what he has to work with). Jack, on the other hand, is an omnisexual. They are similar, of course, but in my head, omnisexuality is more of a sex-with-everyone than a sex-with-anyone sort of thing? This may be completely incorrect, and feel free to argue the point, but it's the way I've always seen it. This is also why I get so mad when people write Ianto off as being gay or bisexual - I feel like I finally have...representative, a role model, something...and then we try to put him in a box. BUT ANYWAY.
After discovering that definition, I got all excited. It was like I had finally figured myself out. Others tend to brush it off, categorize me as bi (or worse, 'desperate'), but that is hardly the case. My family, though, and my coworkers, seem to accept this well enough. Honestly, some of them are impressed. And maybe it's a bit idealistic, but I do believe in soul mates. Maybe not one at a time, but, yeah. There's definitely a connection that happens on a stronger level - my soul, my spirit, my personality if you don't believe in that sort of thing, has no gender.
I sort-of dated this girl in high school. She was...I don't want to say she was in the process of transitioning from female to male, but I'm fairly certain she was considering it. I remember thinking, "So, what? If I'm still attracted to her/him, does that make me straight?" I was confused, but I was also well-supported by friends and family, so it didn't bother me so much. When I was attracted to both my best friend and her boyfriend of the time, I think it began to make more sense to me. That didn't pan out, either.
This entry really is going nowhere. I apologize.
But I think my sexuality has a lot to do with how I was raised by my parents (AHA! There's my point! I wondered where it had gone!). They taught me acceptance and love, first and foremost. I was raised, as some of you know, without any religion. My parents told me their beliefs and granted me full access when it came to choosing a religion if I so desired, so long as I researched them fully. I dabbled a bit. Christianity, Judaism, Wicca, Hinduism, etc. I found that I agreed with many of their basic observations, but there were some things about each with which I fervently disagreed. And so I sort of hodge-podged them all together and became...well, I believe we (being my lovely friends who, again, accepted me without question) termed it a "Sarist" practicing "Sarism."
Essentially, I'm spiritual to an extent. I strive to be a fair person in all that I do and to love everyone. I believe in acceptance and loving one's enemy. If there is a deity, I worship it only by striving to do the right thing. Of course I fail, regularly, and I have my own self-induced guilt (I don't need a religion to do that - I am my own biggest critic).
I think this sort of upbringing affected my sexuality. Of course I believe in genes and their effect on sexuality, but I also think that certain upbringings can override it, I think. I say this only because I don't know that there's a pansexual gene! If there is, hooray? Or maybe we're ALL pansexual, but the need for society to label puts us into 'quaint little categories' and so there is a need for us to label ourselves. That's something to think about.
And THAT's why I loved Torchwood so much. In addition to being fun, action-filled, sci-fi goodness that also examined humanity through an interesting lens, it also brought up this whole concept. As soon as Jack mentioned those 'quaint little categories,' in fact, I was hooked. That's why I was so thrilled with COE (even while being utterly wrecked by it). Because it IS only Jack. It made me want to hug whoever came up with that concept for Ianto. Was it RTD? Was it the writer? Was it someone's mum somewhere who suggested it offhand? I don't know or care. They get thousands of hugs from me. THOUSANDS.
And I think this all fits into why I identify so much with Ianto. I am well-masked, I was in a codependent relationship in which I sacrificed myself to save the woman I loved fromCanary Wharf law school, even when I knew deep down that she was far too gone to be saved, I love coffee to the point of distraction (and, yeah, I'm a bit passionate about its brewing - I've worked at a number of decent coffee-serving establishments). Although, thebuttonontop thinks I'm more like Jack because I'm easily distracted by shiny objects. Also, I tend to flirt with everyone. Perhaps I am like Jack. Maybe I'm their secret love-child. ;)
Well. I believe this ends my ranting and raving about random things. I am very much open to debate and discussion, so feel free to comment! :)
After discovering that definition, I got all excited. It was like I had finally figured myself out. Others tend to brush it off, categorize me as bi (or worse, 'desperate'), but that is hardly the case. My family, though, and my coworkers, seem to accept this well enough. Honestly, some of them are impressed. And maybe it's a bit idealistic, but I do believe in soul mates. Maybe not one at a time, but, yeah. There's definitely a connection that happens on a stronger level - my soul, my spirit, my personality if you don't believe in that sort of thing, has no gender.
I sort-of dated this girl in high school. She was...I don't want to say she was in the process of transitioning from female to male, but I'm fairly certain she was considering it. I remember thinking, "So, what? If I'm still attracted to her/him, does that make me straight?" I was confused, but I was also well-supported by friends and family, so it didn't bother me so much. When I was attracted to both my best friend and her boyfriend of the time, I think it began to make more sense to me. That didn't pan out, either.
This entry really is going nowhere. I apologize.
But I think my sexuality has a lot to do with how I was raised by my parents (AHA! There's my point! I wondered where it had gone!). They taught me acceptance and love, first and foremost. I was raised, as some of you know, without any religion. My parents told me their beliefs and granted me full access when it came to choosing a religion if I so desired, so long as I researched them fully. I dabbled a bit. Christianity, Judaism, Wicca, Hinduism, etc. I found that I agreed with many of their basic observations, but there were some things about each with which I fervently disagreed. And so I sort of hodge-podged them all together and became...well, I believe we (being my lovely friends who, again, accepted me without question) termed it a "Sarist" practicing "Sarism."
Essentially, I'm spiritual to an extent. I strive to be a fair person in all that I do and to love everyone. I believe in acceptance and loving one's enemy. If there is a deity, I worship it only by striving to do the right thing. Of course I fail, regularly, and I have my own self-induced guilt (I don't need a religion to do that - I am my own biggest critic).
I think this sort of upbringing affected my sexuality. Of course I believe in genes and their effect on sexuality, but I also think that certain upbringings can override it, I think. I say this only because I don't know that there's a pansexual gene! If there is, hooray? Or maybe we're ALL pansexual, but the need for society to label puts us into 'quaint little categories' and so there is a need for us to label ourselves. That's something to think about.
And THAT's why I loved Torchwood so much. In addition to being fun, action-filled, sci-fi goodness that also examined humanity through an interesting lens, it also brought up this whole concept. As soon as Jack mentioned those 'quaint little categories,' in fact, I was hooked. That's why I was so thrilled with COE (even while being utterly wrecked by it). Because it IS only Jack. It made me want to hug whoever came up with that concept for Ianto. Was it RTD? Was it the writer? Was it someone's mum somewhere who suggested it offhand? I don't know or care. They get thousands of hugs from me. THOUSANDS.
And I think this all fits into why I identify so much with Ianto. I am well-masked, I was in a codependent relationship in which I sacrificed myself to save the woman I loved from
thebuttonontop thinks I'm more like Jack because I'm easily distracted by shiny objects. Also, I tend to flirt with everyone. Perhaps I am like Jack. Maybe I'm their secret love-child. ;)Well. I believe this ends my ranting and raving about random things. I am very much open to debate and discussion, so feel free to comment! :)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-03-05 07:21 pm (UTC)I can't think of anything more coherent to say, 'cos I'm too cold, but I agree.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 04:02 am (UTC)And I'm sorry you're cold! *Hands you blanket*
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 04:35 am (UTC)(Also, when we were talking about the parent stuff before, I hadn't read this so... my apologies for probably sounding like a moron, lol. ^^;;)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 04:41 am (UTC)And thank you. :) My parents have their faults, but they're good people. Usually. ;)
This is why I love TW fandom, though. And the debate...it wasn't even really a debate. Just a thing she wrote that I agreed with and as I already took up a bajillion megabytes in a comment, I came over here to ramble some more. ;)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 04:49 am (UTC)I heartily approve of having one's own "Ism." And "Joxer" is a great cat's name ;p
*slinks off to bed*
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 05:08 am (UTC)